A wordless autumn — or an autumn that needs no words?
I guess if I have any, they would be that I’m living simply and quietly these days, no real need for lots of words…. :: Loving my family and enjoying the revelation of God through the natural world :: Giving thanks in all things, both good and hard, knowing our time on earth is a mere whisper in the wind :: Making the most of each moment as an offering back to the Creator :: (for the very first time) Embracing self-compassion — the very deep work of that — and true grace for myself, my husband, my children.
There has been (and still is) so much to heal, but the path is set and my brain is relearning (or learning for the first time, really) how to integrate (as opposed to disintegrate). Did you know that no matter what trauma you experience in life, your brain can literally be healed from it? You might never forget the trauma itself, but your brain is capable of burrowing new pathways so that you can relate to it in a new way– a way that does not haunt nor continue to destroy yourself or others.
I am re-wiring my brain from early traumas, which deeply (wrongly) shaped my brain and concept of self. And I have been doing so for the past year and a half since Silas’s traumatic birth (when I finally realized in stark clarity what has always been wrong) — Finally finding my voice (especially after my near-death hospitalization in February with an initially misdiagnosed retropharyngeal abscess). Not quite a calendar year of two out-of-the- blue emergency hospitalizations with potentially very dire consequences was the catalyst for my reaching for the full embrace of God in all of my life (and brain) — to be set free (for the first time in my whole life) to begin to attend to my own needs (this is not selfish!) and to begin to undo the lies I had been told by others (and then my own looping inside voice).
The beauty of all that re-wiring, re-training of thoughts, telling myself the truth about myself, praying for healing, working through memories and feelings long stuffed away (all with professional help), embracing my feelings as good things (and not things to be afraid of because I was told they were “wrong” or I “shouldn’t be feeling them”, whether spoken or implied), I am, for the very first time, beginning to like who God has made me to be…. which is so big and so long-in-coming that there are really no words. Love and peace and joy (for the first time, truly) has begun to replace decades of anguish.
So there are not a lot of outside words this autumn. All the words are inside, finding new paths, new ways, new integration of all the crummy, hurtful, deep wounds with all the staggering beauty and love and blessings. And in this season of autumn, where all is falling and preparing for the cold, I find myself twirling in the leaves, playing with my children, unafraid for the first time in my life!, knowing that there is so much love and warmth inside and around me that can no longer be withheld or taken away. It is there for me always. It is there for you too. For all of us.